TNMC

It's time to come to terms with a long standing problem of mine.
Admitting this to myself is nothing new.  I'm more than familiar with it.  Letting the rest of the world in on it is more problematic.  So rather than dance around the idea, I'm just going to get it off my chest.

I'm more than a little chained to my family's mantra of never make a scene.

Doesn't sound that big a deal, right?  Most of us would rather not make a scene.  The problem for me is that I really do want to make a scene a lot of the time and can't seem to shake off the family rule.  Online I'm not bad at doing it but it takes a specific effort to do so most of the time.  When I'm good and mad or annoyed, I'll unleash a good rant without hesitation.  The problem comes when I'm not mad and don't let loose with what I really think because I don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

Let me restate that last bit.

I don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

Ugh.  The amount of tongue biting I endure due to that last line is nausea inducing.

Let me be clear.  It's not that I want to go out and regularly hurt people's feelings.  What I want is the the freedom in my own mind to say what I feel, without concern for other people's feelings.  Because most of the time it seems I'm really not hurting anyone's feelings.  I just think I'm going to.

In person I'm a lot worse about this.  It depends a lot on my audience.  When surrounded with people I know well, I say whatever I like and never give it a second thought.  Toss one unknown into the group and I clam right up.  I start censoring myself because I don't know that person and I might offend them.  Why exactly am I so concerned about offending others?  Because the family credo is make no scenes.  And offending others is going to qualify as making a scene.

The really sick part of this is that my personality is best described as sandpaper.  I have a knack for grating on people's nerves and I enjoy doing it.  But people I don't know are largely immune from this.  The simple reason being that I don't know what annoys them.  And since I don't want to make a scene, I'm not going to attempt random acts of irritation hoping to hit a soft spot.  It's pathetic really.  Most of the time, people who meet me for the first time think I'm really quiet.  And people who know me well will think those other people are retarded.  "Him?  Quiet?  Are you kidding me?"  I've heard that a lot.

Now you know.  I don't really have a solution in mind.  It's just been particularly bothering me lately.  Somehow I think the passing of George Carlin set it off.  He was such an inspiration for me and yet I've never been able to come anywhere near his candor.  The entertainers I'm most drawn to are the ones who speak their personal truth completely freely and don't seem to care what the response to that is.  Guys like Carlin, Penn Jillette and Kevin Smith wow me with their ability to say exactly what they believe all the time without fear of embarassment.  In other words, they make a scene and don't break a sweat.

I want to be able to do that.