 Directed by: Tamra Davis Written by: Shonda Rhimes Starring: Britney Spears
Zoe Saldana
Anson Mount
Taryn Manning
Justin Long
Dan Aykroyd
Kim Cattrall  Hollyfeld, here. This review contains many, many spoilers. It won't matter. The backstory: On the TNMC posting boards, someone came to the realization that, even though we knew it would suck, a review of Crossroads would have to eventually appear on the website. Unfortunately, this meant that someone at TNMC would actually have to see it. After a lengthy whine-a-thon, in which just about everyone who either works or doesn't work at TNMC tried to get out of entering a theater with Britney Spears' debut film, I stepped up to the task. The catch? That our editor, John "Batman" Shea had to pay my way, but as he told me the other night, "I'll pay, but you, my friend... you too will pay." Indeed, and before I even entered the theater. The moment before I requested my ticket tonight, I looked to my friend (who out of little more than charity agreed to go with me) and stated, honestly, "Well, here goes my dignity." Tickets in hand, we entered the theater. Number of men in attendance? Six. Two with sour faces and chipper girlfriends to one side, the two of us, and two others sitting by themselves. I'm still not sure why those guys were there, but more to the point I am very not sure I want to know. Moments after we sat down, my friend made me promise that I would not wake him if he fell asleep. "What if," I asked, "it appears that you are dreaming of being forced to watch Crossroads, tied to a chair with your eyelids pulled open and systematically remoistened so as to prevent you from being able to avert your gaze? Should I wake you then?" "I'm not sure that that would be worse," he said. But my friend would not fall asleep this night, and in fact would enjoy the movie more than he, I, or anyone else in the theater probably should have been allowed to. For Crossroads is hilarious: the perfect unintentional comedy. It may end up being the Rocky Horror of our generation, perhaps in a double feature with Glitter... another notorious star vehicle that, after tonight's moviegoing debacle, is now on my Must-See list. Crossroads is a film that begs for audience participation, as was evident when, in an early scene featuring a VERY scantily clad Britney Spears, a girl in the audience yelled, "OH SHIT!" This girl was about ten years old, and she was not the only one actually expecting to like Crossroads who ended up laughing their asses off. Like when Britney (it doesn't matter what her character's name was - she's just Britney) proves she's a deep human being by reading to the cute guy from her poetry book... and it's lyrics are from her latest single. There wasn't a single dry eye in the house - we were all laughing so hard that it had agitated our tear ducts. Or when the cute guy (he probably had a name, but it didn't matter) proved he was an artist by writing music to go along with said poem. It of course turned out to be "I'm not a Girl, Not yet a Woman." Britney, of course, then had to pretend that she had never heard it before and made up a melody. I didn't want to die during this scene, but I was guffawing so hard I really didn't have much of a choice. I was resurrected at about the same time Britney was losing her virginity to this cute guy she barely knew (well, she was about to - this review would come equipped with yet another star if only someone had had the cajones to show it) in a motel room. "What a role model!" someone yelled. Wait a minute... That was me. I forget when, but at some point in the night's moviegoing experience a woman turned to my friend and I and said that she didn't come here to listen to the audience. I gave her the thumbs up and, out of courtesy, well... yelled... but less often from that point on. I would have stopped completely, but two girls behind us heard the complaint and immediately looked at us and nodded their heads. "Yes," they told us with a simple gesture. "We all are," because there is almost no other entertainment value to be had. And yeah, I said almost. It was very entertaining, for example, to see girls get drunk off of Juice Squeezes and Pepsi. Oh yeah, in case anyone was wondering, there was a plot in here somewhere. Britney and friends go to California with a guy who could be a murderer, Britney finds out that her mother thinks she was a mistake, and the spoiled girl finds out her fiancé is a rapist. That's about all the interesting stuff. Which is a real shame, because road trips are supposed to be about long journeys on which interesting things happen. And, I'm sorry Britney, a three minute "Should we drive the car?" scene does NOT qualify. I can think of no worse torture than being forced to watch Crossroads, tied to a chair with your eyelids pulled open and systematically remoistened so as to prevent you from being able to avert your gaze... in silence. With the addition of audience participation (bring lighters for when Britney sings her love ballad), Crossroads is the first Five-Star movie of 2002, and already a candidate for the funniest movie of the year. At some point in your life, you will see Crossroads. Don't even try to deny it - the urge will be too strong. Do yourself a favor and do it now, where you can enjoy its atrociousness with Britney's fans and enemies alike. Britney Spears: Bringing the world together, one bad film at a time. Of course, this assumes she will be in another one someday, and, well, I don't want to make any guarantees on that. - Hollyfeld
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