Unfortunately for us, "13 Ghosts" is too loud not to notice. It is a combination of slick scenery in part designed by Robert Zemeckis and a screenplay penned by Bobby Bouchet's momma. Let's dive in.
The plot is taken from a 1960's movie by the same name. I've never seen it, but I can only imagine what a 1960's version of this tripe must have looked like. It's also touted as a movie that comes from the people who made "The House on Haunted Hill." Is that something you want to advertise? Anyway, the story goes that there's this evil dude named Cyrus who has built a house in the middle of nowhere and it houses some sort of paranormal energy. However, Cyrus dies in a freakish automobile accident (of sorts) and in his will leaves the house to his nephew Antonio Scarpacci (at least it looks like him), his two children Shannon Elizabeth and some dumb kid, and their gangsta-rap nanny. Since their own home recently burned down and killed Mrs. Scarpacci, they go with the executor of the will and check it out. Of course once they get there they realize something is afoot as the lawyer soon gets chopped in half, a ghostbuster shows up (Who YOU gonna call???), and the house locks them inside.
As they explore the house, the ghostbuster (Matthew Lillard, who I shall henceforth refer to as 'Shaggy') informs them that he worked for Cyrus and the dude was seriously trippin' (nanny's words, not mine). He built the house to try and capture 12 ghosts (but isn't the movie called "13 Ghosts?") in order to, oh; I don't know... some freaky ghost stuff. We later find out from a chick that somehow got inside the house after it locked down (I thought that it was impenetrable?) that the house is NOT a house, but a machine that was designed by the devil and powered by the dead (ah, that's why he has the ghosts!). The whole point is to open up the Oculorus Infernum (It's in Latin! What, you don't speak Latin? That is something we shall have to remedy!) which when translated means 'Eye of Hell' and is supposed to give the creator the ability to see into the future. Or something. The point is the ghosts are all locked up in order to do this thing. The rest of the movie is spent trying to get out of the house. There you go.
Here are a few observations.
- The house is pretty cool. Its design is tight and the visuals are pretty spectacular. I wish that they spent more screen time on just examining the house's construction, because it is really intriguing. It is filled with all sorts of old artifacts and books and such, and all the walls are made out of glass with funny writing on them. When it begins to turn into a machine, the mechanism's deployment is definitely one of the high points. In fact, it is the movie's only high point.
- Matthew Lillard, er, Shaggy, has been in a few movies so far in his burgeoning career. Here's what I've noticed. DeNiro has the eyebrow. Val Kilmer has the 'sniff.' Shaggy has... drooling problems. I swear, in every movie he's in, he's always drooling. Coincidence? Maybe that's HIS thing.
- The glass walls with the funny writing are something called plasmaglass that are designed to contain the ghosts. They are also soundproof, as we're told. "These are soundproof walls," says Shaggy. "You won't be able to hear anything through them." Well, as we find out later, you really just need to speak loud enough and then you can hear through them quite fine.
- You need special glasses to see the ghosts. Except when you don't; then you can see the ghosts just fine.
- The most eeeevil of ghosts is a dude named 'The Juggernaut,' which looks eerily like Ted Danson, pre-hair weave.
- Shannon Elizabeth is very hot. She also is what we like to call a 'one-trick pony.' And guess what, kids... acting is not that one trick.
- Ok, paranormal theology here folks. We're dealing with ghosts here. Fine. Yet for some reason the story has to introduce the fact that THE DEVIL designed this house! (Momma Bouchet). Now, which devil are we speaking of here? The dude named Lucifer who was cast out of heaven? The one that is referred to in the New Testament? That devil? Because there are no ghosts mentioned in the New Testament. In fact, ghosts don't even exist; it's just demons and such floating around, wreaking havoc. So which devil are we speaking of here? And for that matter, what is this 'eye of hell' anyway? Can the devil escape? And why would he even want to have a house built on the eye of hell so that some crazy Cyrus guy could usurp his power? It seems like Ol' Scratch would be a little more protective of his power than that.
You know what? It doesn't matter. Avoid "13 Ghosts."
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