TNMC

Written by Deadpool

We've got quite a treat for you kids this week a three part MINISERIES on Book of Shadows: The Blair Witch 2's World Premiere at Mann's Chinese Theater in Los Angeles. My good buddy 'Hollyfeld' was in attendance and today we have his account of the first part of the evening. Also regular movie reviewer 'Q-Brick' is in the house with his review of The Yards, the movie I missed seeing two months ago because I'm a lazy bastard. For those wondering about that BIG ANNOUNCEMENT, well it's been postponed till next Monday. Don't worry it would have been worth the wait.

The Blair Witch 2 World Premiere: Part One

"Hollyfeld, here. Just writing to let you know that selling my soul to the devil this weekend paid off in spades. As you no doubt know by now, the H-man scored himself tickets to both the premiere and post party of Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2. Never mind how. (The devil thing was a bit of an exaggeration... he was really wasn't much more than a glorified chaos demon, but I digress.) The following is the first part of my record of tonight's events: The premiere, soon to be followed by the movie, and then the after-party.

I think it is important to note that before tonight, I was a virgin to these events. Although I had considered myself very experienced in the ways of Hollywood, I had never been to a premiere. So upon learning that my opportunity had come, I jumped at the chance - much like a regular virgin would jump at the opportunity to have sex with a pornstar. So I called my good friend, you will come to know her as Charlize Angel, and off we were, with a quick e-mail to Deadpool, here, promising a complete report of the events. This account is for everyone who hasn't had the opportunity to go to a real Hollywood premiere - this is what it was like.

Charlize Angel picked me up about two hours before the scheduled time of the screening, and we were both very excited. This was a first for both of us. There was supposed to be a contest during the party for the witchiest witch ($1,000 grand prize), so we were both dressed in goth, fittingly. Charlize found it difficult to shop in this get up, actually, due to the accusing looks given to her by the store clerks. Sigh... so much for the 21st century. We talked for a while about my recent engagement to the beautiful and engaging Mallory Knox (that's right ladies, Hollyfeld is off the market... don't take it too hard), and proceeded to promptly get lost.

Great, so now we're lost. Perfect - just what I needed. We drove around Hollywood for fifteen minutes, and then finally got back on track and arrived at the Chinese Mann Theater. And just for all of you non-Los Angelinos out there, this is pretty easy to do. It's not like they have a huge sign in Hollywood screaming 'Landmark.' (Now THAT'S irony.) Luckily, we were still notably early, and were able to get a parking space right next to theater. As my sister would say, 'Sweeeeeet...'

Barker & Leerhsen

We get in line to go in at about 6:30 (we were about the fourth people there), and the bouncer/security guard - he looked like both - said they weren't letting us in for at least half an hour. Damn. We toyed with ways to get in early (getting some camera equipment from a nearby store and saying we were with the media was a good one, but by that time he would have recognized us. So we resigned ourselves to waiting in what we thought was the line. Then twenty minutes later as more people started coming in some guy said that the line was behind him, and by the time we realized people were actually listening to him (what were the odds?), we were stuck a good dozen people behind where we were before. Damn. On the upside, we were able to overhear some Hollywood gossip... it turns out that Anne Heche is going to be appearing on Ally McBeal during sweeps week. Huh. Interesting. I don't know if that's a scoop or not, I haven't been following the show very closely for a while, so if it isn't, I'm sorry I wasted your time with it. It just sounded interesting at the time.

Okay, so we're waiting in line at 7:00 and starting to get a little restless. Charlize was talking to various people in line about their keen fashion sense, and they were complimenting her in turn. She really did have cute boots. Then, fifteen minutes later, they started letting people in. Now Charlize and I were under the impression that the 'stars' would be let in first, and then the nobodies with their tickets could come in. Not so. In fact, we were one of the first people in the theater. Cool. We got a seat next to Joe Berlinger's reserved row, but not before enjoying a long walk down the red carpet. It really is a nice carpet. I hope I get to walk down it for real someday - tonight the reporters were saying, 'Oh, look! Isn't that... oh, wait, they're nobodies...' Thanks guys, my self-esteem wasn't low enough as it is...

Charlize had never been to the Chinese theater before, and I must say that if you haven't, there is nothing like going there with a large audience. I had been there twice before, at the opening night of X-Files (got to meet Chris Carter and Rob Bowman... excellent), and the second day of The Phantom Menace, which was pretty sweet. The decor in that place really is remarkable (the walls are covered with images of gold dragons, the are huge columns on the sides of the theater... just gorgeous), and with the right movie and the right audience, there really is nothing like it.

Shawn Wayans

So we sat there for a while, waiting to see the stars, and for a while we were disappointed. No one was there. NO ONE. I was getting a bit miffed, seeing as how this was my first premiere and all and no one seemed to be there. And then they started showing up. No Tom Cruises or Harrison Fords, but people you would know. Keenan Ivory Wayans was there, looking very spiffy in his beanie (or some similar form of hat - I am not up to date on fashion), and later his brothers Shawn and Marlon showed up. Marlon's hair is really that interesting in real life, too, I assure you. Also present were Xander Berkeley (whom you might remember from his roles in Air Force One, Shanghai Noon, and Terminator 2: Judgement Day), as well as Devon Odessa (best known as Sharon on 'My So-Called Life', but was also in Pumpkinhead and The Omega Code. I actually talked to her a couple of times while working freelance on a film she did, but she didn't recognize me. That's okay. I wouldn't recognize me, either. (Though to be fair I'm now a lot taller with shorter, dyed hair... can you really blame her?)

I left Charlize Angel at one point in order to do some star searching (came up empty, sorry to say), and came back to find that some guy had been hitting on her. Kick ass... He asked if he could sit next to her, but she said no, that seat was taken. Upon learning this I of course screamed, 'ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!' Then I paused. 'Was he cute?' 'Oh, yeah.' 'ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?!' I told her I would have understood but she said it was cool. I myself had a close encounter with a member of the opposite sex that night, but we'll leave that for later, when we get to the after-party segment.

Director and Cast

Eventually, about fifteen minutes after the show was supposed to begin (nothing happens on time in this business - not a complaint, just an observation), they asked if everyone could take their seat. At about this time one of the celebrities went out to get some popcorn. Go figure. A DJ from KROQ (L.A.'s premium modern rock station, which is nonetheless loaded with Eminem right now... or is that just when I'm listening to it?) said how cool she thought this was, yadda yadda yadda, I wasn't paying attention. I was too busy studying the makeup of the VIP section. But then she introduced the movie's director, Joe Berlinger. Nice guy. He talked about how this was his first big premiere, his only previous one being about four guys watching one of his documentaries on a screen it was playing at for one week. (I related. Actually, this was not technically my first premiere, but it was the first big one, i.e. one that is generally considered by the public to be a 'premiere.') He then talked a bit about how he was very concerned with the negative public reaction to this film before it even came out, and how this film is really about such audience reactions. I'll get into this more in my review. He then talked about some of the people involved with the film and thanked them at length - the editor, the cinematographer, the producer, co-writer, his wife, etc. Then introduced the main cast members by name and asked them to stand up. I got a few pictures of that, which was nice. I was kind of far away though so I don't know how they'll show up. And then, finally, the movie began.

And... cut. End of Part One. Check back soon to read the second installment of Hollyfeld's Hollywood Premiere, in which I'll either analyze the film or just deluge you, the readers, with reports of my experiences at my very first big Hollywood party. It was pretty awesome. See you soon!"

(Story provided by 'Hollyfeld'.)

A review of The Yards

"You can tell it's Autumn. Your local cineplex is thick with serious subject matter and awesome talent on-screen. Miramax films, one of the industries most aggressive pursuers of the Oscars are probably positioning The Yards for consideration.

Theron & Phoenix

It's a gritty drama set where drama is at its grittiest...New York. Mark Wahlberg is Leo, fresh from doing some hard time and seeking employment among his old pals at NYC's subway yards. Leo believes that he can get work from his Uncle Frank (James Caan) who wields considerable but unhealthy power in the yards. Leo hopes to make a fresh start but to no one's surprise (least of all, ours) he is drawn into a web of deceit, corruption and murder. Leo is betrayed by his friend and company bagman Willie (Joaquin Phoenix). Further dramatic tension stems from Leo's longing for his beautiful cousin Erica (Charlize Theron...does this beauty ever take a break?) who now dates the low-life Willie

Wahlberg & Phoenix

The Yards is impressive, not only for it's stand-out cast (including Joaquin Phoenix, Faye Dunaway, Ellen Burstin and Charlize Theron) but it's dark, understated direction is a welcome. This is the kind of story that usually lends itself to a lot of heavy-handed theatrics from its players. I was especially surprised by Caan and Phoenix (who can play sleazy better than anyone). Both are fine actors who are prone to slip into The Method for their roles. Both of these guys were smart enough to say their lines and not bump into the furniture and The Yards is all the better for it.

On the other hand, Wahlberg as Leo could have breathed a little more life into his character. There were times, on-screen, when I wanted Cher to turn up so she could slap him around and yell, 'Snap out of it!'. Director James Gray does not opt for hot visuals or rampant editing, he simply put the actors in the frame and let's them do their stuff. The Yards will probably not get any Oscar nods this year but director Gray and his fine cast have put together a tough little gem of a movie."

(Review provided by 'Q-Brick'.)

Stay tuned...

That's all folks...

DeadPool