TNMC

The producers have trawled the coral rich reefs of that near empty barrel once more and forced yet another DC cameo upon us, the unsuspecting and undeserving public. Last year it was the Flash. This year, it’s Aquaman. Actually, it’s a younger Dolph Lundgren who swims really fast. I hear he sings poorly, too, but I’ve never watched American Idol. Alan Ritchson, the man playing A. C., should probably stick to lifting weights and smiling while he’s got his looks. His acting isn’t going to get him anywhere, that’s for fucking sure.

A. C., short for Arthur Curry, is a swimmer with an interest in global ecology. He’s in Smallville to talk to Lex Luthor about his company’s weapons manufacturing. By "talk to" I mean "blow shit up". He fails to blow up Lex’s lab thanks to the untrusting interference of Plaid Lad. Clark doesn’t like Aquaman, and for good reason. He saved Lois Lane (Erica Durance). For this alone he should be shot twice in the face and sodomized post-mortem by a group of senile republicans. With his attempts at terrorism foiled, Curry is forced into a lame underwater fight with Clark. It’s anti-climactic and silly to watch, which you’d expect given the program itself. I recall Aquaman firing blasts of water on the Superfriends cartoon, but I don’t remember ever reading that in the comics. The gesticulating hand movements are the acts of a retarded man trying desperately to convey a sense of "wet", I guess. It wasn’t acting, that’s for sure.

The only decent thing I could probably say about this entire episode is this: It’s expendable. There was some mythology regarding Brainiac. He’s obviously being set up as a future influence on Clark. As you may recall, if you weren’t numbed from excessive drink, James Marsters appeared briefly as a crystalline creature taking human form at the end of the season premiere. He is now occupying the role of mentor and professor to Clark. I’m not sure where they’re going with this, but I figure their going for a slow burn. Clark is going to be treacherously manipulated by this guy. I like the idea, but I’m hesitant to believe they can pull it off. After all, I’ve got four seasons worth of proof to reinforce that hesitance.

Everything else in this was shit, though. Not glaringly bad as some episodes have been. It was mostly just boring and poorly acted. Sweet Jesus, was it poorly acted. You know how the Christ preaches forgiveness and all that? He’d stab these fuckers in the throat after watching this, then he’d probably cut out his own eyes. Blind, eye-less Jesus is what this episode has given the world. Murderous Christ. Good job, Smallville. Good job.