Providing further proof that Hollywood doesn't know what the hell it's doing, I have here the script for a sequel to the Vin Diesel extreme spy thriller XXX (pronounced "triple ecks," for those of you not in the loop). Diesel made the wisest decision of his career, however, and passed on reprising the role, paving the way for Ice Cube to be the new XXX.
When a group of rogue commandos storm the XXX headquarters, Agent Augustus Gibbons, to be played by Samuel L. Jackson, is set up as the fall guy and goes on the run. He enlists returning technogeek Toby Lee Shavers to recruit a new XXX (Diesel's character was killed in Bora Bora we are told quickly). Wanting someone tougher and "with more attitude," they break Darius Stone (Cube) out of military prison. Using Stone's Navy SEAL training and street smarts, Gibbons's cunning, Toby's gadgets and more cars than could fit in Jay Leno's garage, they must stop the rogue group, who are led by Secretary of Defense George Deckert (Willem Dafoe).
As a public service, I will tell you that Simon Kinberg, the sole name on my April 5, 2004 script, was previously a script doctor on Charlie's Angels II: Full Throttle, Elektra and Catwoman. It'd be bad enough if he wrote them, but he was the guy tasked with making those scripts better. Still thinking this might be a good movie? Let me dissuade you.
This script is so awful that I honestly don't know where to start. I guess the best place is with the new XXX, Darius Stone. Darius defied a general's orders to fire on civilians, and ended up in a DOJ prison for twenty years. When he first appears, his tattoos are described: "His arms are covered in jailhouse/banger/military tatts. A maze of contradictions."
Wow, he's like a fucking onion. That is the extent of his character description. And while he does stay true to these three personas, con man, soldier and street thug, it's the latter that comes through most often. And most ridiculously. Before the military, Darius survived by boosting and chopping cars. So now, when the time comes for him to sneak into the damaged XXX headquarters and retrieve some data, does he use his SEALS training? Of course not. He brings along a Molotov cocktail fueled by motor oil, a car jack and a car wrench. He's like some third rate superhero, The Amazing Gearhead!
And cars litter the script. The characters spend more time drooling over pimped-up GTOs than, oh, I don't know, worrying about the sate of the union maybe? Kinberg's love of cars comes through just a little too clearly, such as when the new XXX car is described: "An old classic BRONCO TRUCK tricked out to today's standards. Chopped roof, big tires, spinning dubs, glistening hydraulics, and savage engine." In the final act, Darius knows he's outnumbered, so he enlists some old car thief buddies to help him take out Deckert's commandos. When they are able to take over a tank, Darius says to one of the thieves, "Strip her and flip her. Get what you can for the parts." This is page 104 of a 119-page script. We are moments from the final showdown. And their concern is chopping and selling a goddamn Abrams tank.
One of the most annoying aspect of this script is the constant reminders that Darius is black. They try to get a lot of mileage out of the juxtaposition of this brother from Compton rolling around the lion's den of rich, white America: Washington D.C. They try, but fail. Some of this appears in dialogue. “Nothing scarier than the suburbs,” Darius says at one point and later, after Deckert has extolled America’s survival of civil war, riots and depression, Darius extends the list: “disco…acid wash…cowboy hats.”
But the most rampant racism will be invisible to the movie viewer. It is in the scene setting where Kinberg truly displays his revulsion to whites. A sampling: “He put the honkey in honkey-tonk,” “Nordstroms, Pottery Barn, IKEA. Bland suburban hell,” and my personal favorite, “Darius and company are surrounded by…a TROOP OF MARINES. Not Deckert’s men. African-American, Hispanic.” Unless I’m reading this wrong, this suggests that the bad guys are all white and the good guys are black and Hispanic. Read into that what you will.
Kinberg does an overall piss-poor job of painting the scene for the director. I won’t go into it too much because I won’t be able to stop myself. Literally every page has some ridiculous phrasing such as “Yes, these bad boys are coming to town,” “The team leader has a silenced GUN in hand. PHHT! Game over,” and (no, I’m not making this up) “Chitty chitty bang bang.” Believe me, this is only scratching the surface.
Ultimately, though, what will make this movie fail is the sheer ridiculousness of the scenes. I realize this isn’t a Bergman or Kaufman script, so I don’t expect deep characters or sharp dialogue. What I do expect is exciting action scenes with at least a shred of believability. But when Darius breaks out of maximum security prison with a matchbox car and spoon, when he’s captured and placed in an armored vehicle with a dozen police vehicles escorting, but he’s all alone and free to attempt an escape, I honestly want to hit something. The way this script reads, this movie is targeting thirteen-year-old boys who’ve had severe head trauma. Even they won’t buy the crap that will roll across the screen. When Darius and crew break into the CIA’s vault of weapons by bribing a janitor with weed, I truly wonder how it is that we are the last superpower. And reading this script, I truly wonder why we tolerate studio-manufactured offal.
Matt Baker has biker/ex-girlfriend’s name/Maori tatts. He is a maze of contradictions.
