I'm a big believer that it's as important to watch bad movies as it is to watch good ones. You need that sense of scale that can only be attained by looking at both ends of the spectrum. I laughed out loud at critics who claimed Gigli was the worst movie of all time. Clearly they never sat through the likes of Caligula or Spiceworld.
The point is that these movies have their own sad importance to the movie world. So we must take the time to single out the miserable wrecks that most tortured our existence in the last year. I said this could be a pain in the ass because I hate listing a film if I suspect another movie I missed was even worse. This leads me to rent a ton of clunkers at the end of every year, a practice that quickly makes me the most unpopular member of my household. Nobody wants to hang out with the guy who insists on inflicting Kangaroo Jack on them.
So be aware that this is by no means an all inclusive pile of crap, merely the lowlights of the crap I dragged myself to see.
10. Kill Bill, Vol. 1
This movie is here because I really hate the way Miramax refused to make Quentin Tarantino edit his movie down to one reasonably sized film. Instead we get two movies, and pay twice as much, so that the supposed auteur could keep every precious moment on screen. Pared down it would be one great movie. Split it's bloated and pretentious. Do us a favor Quentin and go back to the sharp sparse style that made your first two movies great.
9. The Last Samurai
Yeah, I get it. Tom Cruise finds salvation in the ways of the ancient samurai. Unfortunately, we're asked to believe that he could teach it back to the whole country. I liked this movie early and moved over to genuine irritation by the end. His teacher of sorts doesn't seem to grasp the difference between getting slaughtered needlessly and honorably sacrificing one's self for the protection of others. Ken Watanabe does an amazing job of making this character interesting despite being poorly written.
8. Daredevil
Mistakes galore killed this comic book adaptation. A hero in skintight red leather? Ben Affleck as a super hero? Not letting Kevin Smith write the script? The supporting cast is the only reason to watch this turkey. Colin Farrell in particular shines as the villain Bullseye. Unfortunately he's in ten minutes of the movie at best. Affleck is out of his element and it shows in a largely leaden performance.
7. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
Holy bad ideas Batman! Take a bunch of classic literary characters, convert them into two-dimensional superheroes and set them loose in a half-assed special effects orgy. This is based on a well respected comic but it lacks all the imagination and thought of the source material.
6. Just Married
I look at Brittney Murphy and Ashton Kutcher and I see a lot of talent. But it's raw unfocused talent. They both need to focus their talent, do some theater, take smaller supporting roles, learn from veterans. Because without attaining some focus and training, all that talent is just flailing around randomly. With a better written script and a lot more control from the leads, this movie could have been a gem. Instead it's just a well-intentioned mess.
5. Gigli
No, it's not as bad as you were told. This movie took it in the nuts from an entertainment media sick to death of the Bennifer monster. This should serve as a warning to celebrities that there is such a thing as too much media exposure. Now, media backlash aside, this a pretty bad movie. Director Martin Brest didn't seem to have the confidence to shoot his script as is. As a result the finished movie lacks the fire needed to carry through its more outrageous scenes and gets a new ending so awful I nearly poked my own eyes out with a pencil to stop the torture.
4. Legally Blonde 2: Red, White and Blonde
I hated the original Legally Blonde so much that I refused to see this one unless I got in free. I'll make sure to eliminate that annoying loophole if they make a second sequel. The endlessly irritating and shallow Elle Woods character goes to Washington and finds that soulless politicians can be made to appear sympathetic characters if set against her.
3. Bad Boys 2
It says bad right in the title. What else did you need to know? This movie is dumb, noisy and tasteless. Director Michael Bay has sunk to a new low. It looks like it was edited with a blender. It's just one amazingly tacky scene after another.
2. Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
This is supposedly an action movie but it is one so dull and incoherent that it put me to sleep. Twice. Angelina Jolie works her tail off in the lead role but she does it with no help from the cast, writers or director. This is a sequel that manages to be much worse than the original. That's impressive considering how bad the first one was.
1. Timeline
Timeline was one of the worst screenplays that I've had the misfortune to review. The finished film is somewhat better but still bad enough to capture the title of worst movie of 2003. Theoretically this is based on Michael Crichton's best-selling novel. But if Crichton wrote a book this dumb, he would be done as an author. It's as if the producers wanted to keep the name and the concept of time travel and threw everything else out. What's left is a time travel movie that shows no interest in any themes that might possibly relate to time travel.
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